Early this evening i was lying down on my bed, with my boombox playing nonchalantly in the background thinking through the events of the day, wondering if any of them were eventful at all, suddenly i was aware that the song 'miss you love' by maria mena slowly intruded my thoughts like the volume being turned up all of a sudden...and i came to realize in between that i don't 'miss' anyone or any 'love' which indeed ruffled me slightly...In fact i haven't missed anyone as of late, apart from my family who lives 400km away from me.

I go through my days missing things, places, sights, sounds and smells. I've missed going to events, i've missed going to gigs and raves, i've missed the fun hanging out with girlfriends, i've missed gatting wasted, getting high, and missed never wanting to come down. I've missed being careless, i've missed being 19, i've missed single life...but bizarrely enough...i don't miss anyone.

I want to believe i have a theory for this, for any theory in love is never right or wrong (in my opinion anyway), love is love, and will always be love. But how does one know if it's right to love someone without being able to miss him/her? Should distance or hurt be a factor for conjuring the emotion of 'longingness'?

I've always pondered on this matter most moments i have when i'm alone. When you miss someone, it is in fact the feeling of 'wanting' them near you. So if i don't 'miss' someone, does that mean i don't 'want' them too?

Let's give this person a name, Rob for example. I always believed that when i am able to miss Rob that much, i know i still know i'm in love with Rob. But 8 hours away from Rob everyday doesn't give me enough space to miss him...I do love Rob. Rob cares for me. Rob seems capable of missing me. Rob is happy to see me when he comes home at night. I'm happy to see Rob too. I feel safe with Rob when he is around. But in between the time when Rob walks out the door, to the time when Rob comes back home, I just don't miss him. I don't feel like calling Rob. But i call him anyway. I read my books. I wash the dishes. I go out with a friend. But i still don't miss Rob. I had a fight with Rob on one night. Rob wouldn't speak to me for days. Neither would i speak to Rob. I would sleep on the same bed as Rob. But with our backs facing each other. And only then i did miss him a little bit. What does that say about me? I want to be able to miss Rob the way he misses me. But what will it take? Time? Distance? Hurt? Or just love?

Maybe i'm just shying away from the truth. Maybe i don't want the truth to be true. Maybe i'm in denial. Maybe i'm just pondering on things too much already. Maybe i'm just going through a phase. Or maybe I have changed. Or maybe Rob has changed. Maybe things have changed.

I need to miss someone. And it's not Rob...